LJ Idol: Week 3
Topic: In Another Castle
Toad: "Sorry Mario, but the Princess is in another castle!"
I swear, if I hear that phrase one more time from that little mushroom fuck, he is gonna die. I'm gonna shoot him with my fireballs and watch the little shit burn.
I'm not always such an asshole. Honestly. My brother, Luigi, and I are plumbers. We go around fixing toilets and leaky pipes. Installing faucets. Cleaning hairballs out of shower drains (because apparently people haven't heard of Drain-O). Normal "8 hour a day" kind of job.
And then I get this call. The princess of the land was kidnapped. And apparently me and bro-Luigi are the only ones who can save her. Right, because dragons and monsters can only be destroyed by monkey wrenches and soldering irons. Why call us? We are just Italians, trying to live the dream. Just because we're single (and admittedly think the princess is a total hottie), we have to go save her ass? Isn't that what the army is for?!
We take the chance. Not because we want to. But the reward money? And possibly locking lips with that gorgeous piece of ass? What the hell, it can't be that hard... right?
So we travel to different lands. Have plants trying to bite our ass. Swimming through lakes and climbing through sewers. Finding coins along the way (which we pocket - no one needs to know about that, capiche?!)... and magic flowers and mushrooms.
Now these magic mushrooms and flowers... Boy, are the drugs here in these other lands good shit! The mushrooms make me feel like I grow into a giant. And the flowers?! My body feels so hot that I feel like I can throw fireballs from my body. It's crazy, dude! And these star thingys? I'M INVINCIBLE!!! It's the 70s all over again, man!
So I find this castle in the first land. Luigi and I figure she's probably hiding in one of the turrets, blocked by some monster like in the fairy tales. Sure enough, huge turtle-like monster. Knock him out and find the room he's guarding... SONOFABITCH, it's a mushroom in the turret. And the little fucker says "I'm sorry, but the princess is in another castle." Little bastard doesn't say thank you. Doesn't praise us for saving him. Just says she's not here. And then proceeds to get stolen again and taken to another castle.
This crap goes on for six more castles. That same little shithead is in every castle, telling us she's not there. How does he keep getting kidnapped?! By the Koopa family? Did he forget to pay a debt or something? I say let the little bastard rot. If he can't even give me a "thanks," he can kiss my Italian ass. He doesn't even know where the hell she is, but he does know that it's the Koopa clan that kidnapped her.
Great. So let's go to another land. Full of flying bullets, armadillos, and blue skies. Think Mexico, but with less people and more annoying little critters trying to kill you. Little assholes are even throwing axes at you. Luigi looked at me and said "How about a big cup full of nope." Sure, I didn't want to go either. But with a $10 million reward? I knew we had to go through this hellhole. So I called him a pussy and told him to get his scrawny ass moving. After what seemed like eternity, we reached this huge castle. The moat ran around and through the castle base, but we got through easily enough. We snuck in, found some secret passageways, even took a swim in that underground moat.
What do we find? King Koopa, head of the Koopa Clan. And who's behind him, chained up in the turret? Princess Peach.
And boy, does she look like hell.
Dress torn, dirty, blood staining her arms, hair a mess. Crown is hanging off her head. Shoes missing. Looks like she hasn't had a decent meal in weeks.
So I eat one of those mushrooms and a flower. Shoot the bastard king until he falls over twitching. Grab her by the arm and haul ass out of that castle.
As soon as we get out of the castle and into safety, I become unglued. Luigi tries to calm me down, but I can't stop yelling at her.
"WHAT IN GOD'S NAME WERE YOU DOING TO GET YOURSELF KIDNAPPED BY A FUCKING KOOPA?! DON'T YOU KNOW THEY'RE BAD NEWS? DEAR GOD, HE COULD HAVE RAPED YOU, YOU DUMB BITCH! OR EVEN WORSE, KILLED YOU! FED YOU TO HIS DEMON SPAWN. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? ALL I KNOW IS THAT YOUR DADDY BETTER PAY THE FUCK UP, OR I'M GONNA CALL THE KOOPAS MYSELF AND HAVE THEM TAKE YOU THE FUCK BACK. I SEARCH 8 LANDS LOOKING FOR YOUR ASS WITH LUIGI BY MY SIDE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE'VE BEEN UP AGAINST? I OUGHTA MAKE YOU BEND DOWN AND SUCK ME OFF FOR ALL THE SHIT I HAD TO GO THROUGH!!! AND YOU'D BEST STOP HANGING OUT WITH THAT LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT TOAD BEFORE I KILL HIM!"
Peach looks like I'm ready to go postal. Luigi? He's just sitting there with a shit-eating grin on his face. Knowing that this is exactly what he wanted to tell her too. I grab her, roughly kiss her mouth, and then drag her ass the whole way back home.
$10 million and 3 days later, I'm back at the office of Mario Bros Plumbing. That bitch has yet to call and thank us for saving her. I shoulda kept her to myself for a few days. Gotten a hotel room and fucked her until she had a baby in her. But I told you before. I, Mario Mario, am really not an asshole. Everyone calls me and my bro heroes. Us? We're just normal Italian guys, enjoying life. Yeah, plumbing can be a shitty job. But at least we don't get shot at every day.
The worst part? Luigi's iPod played the same music over and over again. And dammit, I can't get that shit out of my head. FUCK.
This is my Week 3 entry for therealljidol
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